2014년 11월 29일 토요일

Final draft


 
English Education In Korea Does Not Work
 
There is a famous saying that "Language is a process of free creation (Chomsky,1970)". It means that through learning and using languages human beings have been able to expand the scope of their thinking and to make many creative developments in their lives. However, most Korean students seem not to be involved in with such a group of people. For Korean, a typical foreign language, English is only a trouble and a burden. Although most people in Korea have learned English for more than ten years, they have significant difficulties in dealing with English. Many people insist that the current situation in English education results from school system that have been entrenched in Korea for many years and students have suffered from it. In fact, such kinds of assertion have been suggested continuously, however, there is nothing has changed in English education. In this situation, an innovation of English education in Korea becomes an unavoidable matter, and it should be modified for students to nurture the ability to use English practically. However, if current English education system does not get to change in this way, Korea will fall on global society.
 
As English has had many impacts throughout the world for many centuries, English became an official and universal language and, we cannot deny the fact albeit we are nationalists. It is within bounds to say that English is inextricable from our lives. When we meet foreigners in the first time, we usually say "Hello. Pleased to meet you, where are you from? " in English without reference to a person's nationality. In fact, More than two billion people all over the world speak English and the number increases gradually(Carolin, 2014). So, if we want to be friends of two billion people all over the world, we should have the ability to can have command English. Also, as the dominant language in the world, English has actively been used in many fields such as science, information technology, business, seafaring, aviation, entertainment, radio, diplomacy, and etc.(Jardin Culturel,2013).
There are billions upon billions of websites on the internet nowadays, and it’s estimated that more than half of the entire online material( Robby,2014). And many public documents are published in English. So, we can have access to a vast store of knowledge if we nurture enough ability to understand materials written in English. Perhaps, the power of English will gradually be bigger and bigger. Therefore, we can say that conquering English, the dominant language, is the same with becoming a real global citizen who utilize and produce over- the- seas information.
 
According to EF, the biggest global educational company, Korea held 24th in the English Proficiency Index among the 60 countries where do not use English as the primary language (English First Research, 2012). Korean people have so ardent for English education that they spend approximately twenty thousand time for English education from elementary school to college. However, It does not seem to have developed in the English Proficiency Index for 6 years. As we can see the situation that Korean society counters, we should consider whether English education in Korea is being operated well or not. The countries where were ranked the highest levels are Finland and Sweden in northern Europe. Nonetheless the word order of those country's mother language is utterly different from that of English, most of the nations in Finland have a good command of English (p.28). Then, What happens in Korea? This is because Korea's traditional English instruction methods focus mainly on memorization and grammar, and less on learning how actually to communicate in English (Korean Herald, 2014). The fact shows how Korean should wake up and tear down the out of date form of Education.
 
First, current English education system is out of step with the internationalized times because it is still focusing on theoretical factors in English. As twenty-one century has arrived, the whole world has been entirely connected, and the global society is here now. Therefore, English has held its place as the official language so the ability to use English becomes more and more necessary. Today, world does want person who can express his or her knowledge and thoughts in English, but does not need person who mastered grammar entirely or memorized existing all vocabularies. However, unfortunately, English education in Korea is enacting with focusing on the Grammar- Translation Method. Such educational approach has forced most Korean students to be afraid of speaking and writing in English, or they have difficulty in practical use. However, according to an authoritative linguist, Stephen Krashen, he said that "language acquisition does not require extensive use of conscious grammatical rules, and does not require tedious drill."( Stephen D, 1988). It means that the grammar is not a prior thing to learn for the first time but the thing that is needed to be learned for adding flavor to English. According to Krashen, 'learning' is less important than 'acquisition'. Acquisition or acquired system is a process that occurs while one is unconscious as when the man learns his first language. So writing and speaking are involved in the scope. On the other hand, learning or education system is the product of formal instruction and it comprises a conscious process differently with the former. Knowledge of grammar rules is an example of learning(p.13). However, differently with the order that he suggested, English education system in Korea prioritizes learning on the acquisition and it makes students feel it hard to use English. They are so obsessed with finding grammatical errors and checking for some theoretical factors when they try to use English in reality. In other words, if this form of English education continues, Korean students must struggle in using English in practical ways.
 
Also, Korean students are evaluated their English proficiency with limited standards. As a person who has experienced the contradiction of Korean education in hand, I will tell a story about how English education in Korea is vulnerable. In most school in Korea, the value of English ability test has been degraded. The original purpose of English test is to evaluate how students has improved than before and how they understood the tasks taught in English class. However, nowadays test become to assess how perfectly a student memorizes the whole article and can find some tiny grammar errors. To enter desirable prestigious university, Korean students unavoidably should memorize the grammar patterns and vocabularies while feeling it is the wrong way. It shows how English education in Korea is limited and not advanced. However, it is also uncertain that the students can really master Reading Comprehension and Grammar ability through English class in school. In many cases, students just learn how to solve problems faster and they usually focus on acquiring skills for test.
 
Third, English education in Korea does not provide enough opportunities for students to understand English culture. There is a saying that if you want to learn a language of the country, then you should learn the culture of it earlier. It means the language is a product of a culture and it contains the spirits, cultures, and lifestyles of people who use the language. In a globalized age, first of all, it is important to understand the culture and to get close to English. To understand and feel sympathy with English culture, we can find other ways such as reading English literature or watching English movie, and sending or receiving letters with a pen pal in USA. In actually, Finland succeeded at English education with such an impressive English education method. Until 1980s, Finland also enacted Grammar-Translation Method like Korea, so they focused on grammar and reading. However, the government felt limitations and have changed English education format gradually, and eventually Finland came to discover the most effective language Education method for the students. After Finland abolished the old fashion of teaching method, Finland has focused on communication and activities, not a complicated grammar and test ( Educational Broadcast System Research, 2009). Though countries in northern Europe including Finland, Sweden, Norway are involved in expanding circle where does not use English as the primary language, about seventy percents of people have a good command of English ( Lee, 2008).What this occasion tells us is that Korea needs to change the English education that is just for entrance test of colleges and to strengthen the importance of cultural understanding. It can provide more opportunities for students to experience various English cultures firsthand and to participate actively in the global society as global citizens by acquiring more qualified English skills.
 
Some people might argue that there is no need for people who will get a job in Korea to do practical English. It is a probable refutation, but there is something they overlook. Korean government and lots of households in Korea spend tremendous time and money for English education. And Korean students should study English to enter school where they wanted and to make their future lives more amiable. Then, as long as Korean students are destined to learn English, it would be better to learn idiomatic English that can be used in usual as well as in exam or school. Also, because English is one of the most dominant languages in the world, if a person has the ability to can have command of English, the person have more opportunities and advantages that suggested in upper. Sometimes, they might oppose to my argument by saying that if we emphasize the use of English, we can even lose Korean language. However, such a concern is meaningless. It is because I did not revere the usage of English but asserted that English education in Korea should take innovations keeping the pace with the current of global society. In other words, current English system in Korea is the high cost, low efficiency. Therefore, it is time for English education to be changed. Also, with the matter of change, other can insist that the rapid changes in English education approach would bring about more confusions. There are not enough English teachers who are capable of taking a role for changed English education that start to focus on speaking and writing, and understanding cultures. Then, think about it, reversely. If we maintain such an old style format of English education, it must hamper the positive development of education in Korea. Regression will be brought by conservative thoughts of the older generation. And such a situation is highly fatal.
 
As the international dignity of Korea has been higher through active global participation, all people feel the necessity and importance of English. So with perceiving the importance of English, government extended English class and have emphasized English, but paradoxically English education in Korea rather hampers the learning of English. Although most Korean students have received regular English education course for about ten years (Land Mark Research , 2014) there are only a few people who have the ability to manage English freely when it is needed. It shows that how the accomplishment of English education in Korea falls short of expectations for the spent time and energy for it. English education in Korea goes against the flow of international trend. English education in Korea has the high cost but low efficiency. To analogize, consider a soldier deployed front lines who just studied about when a gun was produced, how many bullets go in that gun's magazine before battling, but actually do not know how to use gun in warfare. He died without any trial. This case is precisely the same with Korean English education and it does not help in global society. Korea is so concentrated on theoretical matters that discourage Koreans to use English in practical ways. And there are not reliable evaluation standards for English ability and it mostly is focused on solving issues. Last but not least, English education in Korea does not provide class for understanding English culture. Learning culture is greatly helpful for understanding other countries and help the person to have openness in global village. If my argument that current educational paradigm should go through an innovation is accepted, there would be beautiful synergy effects like opening the opportunities for Korean students to step forward to global society and for Korea to be active in the world. Therefore, to participate in a global society more actively, changes should be started from school, and it is the time for it. If the trend of English education is changed in Korea keeping pace with the current globalized society, finally it can make Korea have more manpower, and naturally the national development will be precipitated.
 
References
 
 
 
 
 
Chomsky, Noam(1970) Lecture at Loyola University at Chicago. Retrieved from
: http://www.chomsky.info/books/state02.pdf
Carolin, Dudda (2014) Enlgish, the Most Important Language Worldwide Retrieved from : : http://www.ilovechile.cl/2014/03/26/english-important-language worldwide/106328
Jardin Culturel (2013) The English Language. Retrieved from:
: http://jardinculturel.com/jardin- culturel-language-centre/english-language/
Robby, Kukurs(2014) 10 Reasons why English is The World's Language Retrieved from : http://englishharmony.com/english-is-the-world-language/
English First Research (2012) EF English Proficiency Index 2012 Retrieved from
: http://www.xn--sprkfrsvaret
vcb4v.se/sf/fileadmin/PDF/EF_EPI_2012_Report_MASTER_LR.pdf
 
 
Korea Herald (2014, April 9) Eye on English Retrieved from : http://www.koreaherald.com/view.php?ud=20140409001068
 
Stephen D, Krashen (1987) Principles and Practice in Second Language Acquisition.Prentice-Hall International, 1987 http://www.sk.com.br/sk-krash.html
file:///C:/Users/sky/Desktop/Communicative%20Approach%20by%20Stephen%20Crashen.pdf
Educational Broadcast System Research (2009)The experiment in Finland, Project : Exit 1
Retrieved from: http://www.ebs.co.kr/tv/show?prodId=352&lectId=3037147
 
 
 
Lee, Byung Min (2008) The Lesson From Other countries' English Education. Retrieved from : http://www.korean.go.kr/nkview/nklife/2008_2/18_5.html
Land Mark Research ( 2014) The Reality of Sinking English Education In Korea Retrieved from : http://www.naeil.com_view/?id_art=114343
 
 

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APA citation

Peer review for N.10

Topic: Is Jealousy one of the most dangerous emotions for human mind?

Introduction
  All of human are the animals that have ability of jealousy ,which is one of the most dangerous feelings we can experience. This strange emotion is revealed at some adages which are "The grass is always greener on the other side" and "Turning green with envy". Look around ourselves, now day, we can feel this emotion from our friends, families, teachers or some strars and so on. However, most of people did not regard jealousy was dangerous. Human usually think of fighting and killing is only happening between the animals. However, there is an example to show us people's jealousy is also very dangerous. There is a boy continuously proposing to a girl. But he makes her cloying. So, she deliberately makes a fake boyfriends to let him give up her. However, this behavior makes the boy jealousy. Finally, he cannot control his feeling to kill both of his lover and her mother at her house. After my story, I want to ask you a question, "How do you react when you feel jealousy?" Today,  I will insist "jealousy is one of the most dangerous emotions for human mind." to tell you about it. 
  
Narration
  There are most of people confused with the meaning of words which are "envy" and "jealousy", but these words are not the same things. Then, I define the meaning of them. When people feel envy, it is because they desire the possessions or qualities of another individual. Briefly, envy refers to wishing we had something that another person has. In contrast, jealousy the individual believes that something that somehow belongs to them is been given to somebody else. It also can be brief, jealousy refers to a fear of losing something we hav to another person. However, It is difficult to understand If I only define them in the words. Here are some examples to help you to understand easily. If an individual feels resentment because they do not have a beautiful wife like their friend then this would be described as envy. On the other hand, if they  that their own wife was having an affair with their friend then this would be jealousy. Are you sure different between the "envy" and "jealosy"? After that, you will be wonder why people feel jealousy and is it really dangerous for us? Feeling jealousy has many reasons. Typically, low self esteem, fear of being alone, past traumas and bad experiences, abnormal jealousy can be due to mental health problems, feelings of incurity an anxiety about the future and so on, all of these can raise the jealousy. Then, how dangerous? As I give an example in the introduction, the jealousy even can kill people to be a murder. Thus, there is an adage which is said by Havelock Ellis,
      
     "Jealousy, that dragon which slays love under the pretence of keeping it alive".

Jealousy is the most dangerous emotion for human mind. Can you feel that? Then, now, I will tell you more detail information about this topic and show you my arguments. 

Confirmation
  From now, we can feel that the dangerous of jealousy and the reasons why people feel jealousy. More detail I can separate them ( Who are them?) for three reasons. First, jealousy will hurt people. Moreover, I can separate the people for two types of them. They are myself and the others. Then, we are talking about the front one first. When you watch the Korean drama, some kinds of romantic movies and love story books, can you find some common? Yes! All of them reveal the emotion of jealousy. Examplarily, at the stories, there would be have love triangle. For example, if there is a girl who is a very pretty and kind, then there would be have two or more than two boys to fall in love. And then this girl will fall in love to one boy who is loving her among this group. Then, the other boys will feel jealousy. We also can see this happening at the drama: 

  Lately, at the most popular Korea drama "Qi Empress", we can find that at drama there are all of people feel jealousy to others. Like, the king of Yuan Dynasty is jealousy the king of Goryeo because the main girl character loves him. We can know he reveal this emotion for behaviors. However, the queen of Yuan Dynasty revealed her emotion by the behavior of killing through an assassination.

Like this example, we can know that they reveal their emotions through some actions such as hurting others or fall into someone to dangerous and so on. I refer the dangerous of jealousy that was because when this emotion get to abnormal and pathological levels that they can become dangerous not only to a friendship or relaionship but even life itself.Psychologist Shauna Spriner (Ph.D.), believes that jealousy tht is desturctive comes from deep rooted insecurity and lack of self esteem. At the moment, I insist that jealousy hurts the others and myself. Psychologist also argue that people who feel jealousy is due to lack of self esteem and lack of love from others. Morever, I think that is due to the behavior of comparing myself to other. If I finish some works through all my efforts,  I would be happy to finish them. However, If I compare it with others, I would thouht that "his resulf is better than me. I am poor at  all of them, I am fool." Gradually, those who compare themselves with others will feel despondency, even those will choose suicide. 

  Second, we accept the facts to distort due to jealousy.( 무슨 뜻이야? Second, we usually distort a fact because of jealousy toward others 이게 낫지 않아?)  People usually only hear and watch someone's the other side, for example, when the students talk about a very pretty super star. Then, you will say that her face is not the nature, because she did a plastic surgery. Like this, when you faced with a happening that makes you to feel jealousy, you will deny it. Here is an interesting story let you understand this happening: 

  There is one sweet potato and one potato. Walking around the roads, they see a beautiful glutinous rice cake. Potato says, " Glutinous rice cake is very pretty. Look, her face is so fluffy and white!" However, the sweet potato think of herself and jealousy her,( sweet potato is consumed with jealousy 이게 낫지 않을까?) says "She is not pretty!" Hearing the chatter, glutinous rice cake is shy and avoiding the space. At that time, sweet potato see some white powder fall out from glutinous rice cake's body and says, "Look, that is making up!"

How do you think about this happening? Is it interesting? Like this, the degree of jealousy from chatting between friends we can say it is a joke. However, If you were denying the facts at the Council or the Government, how would be happen? I can certainly our countries will happen a shameful thing.( I certainly believe that our country will counter a shameful event if it does.) Denying the facts will make many problems  that are our personal relationships or any political problems, even the result we cannot image.(?) I talked about jealousy will make some problems with our personal relationship. Therefore, we should control our emotion, jealousy, to prevent some problems.
  
  Finally, jealousy will raise social confusion. Most of our bad emotions are coming from jealousy. For instance, upset, angry, sadness, despair and so on, we can feel them through jealousy. However, we cannot believe that the first of child in the world is a murder.(in the Bible) He also jealousy his only brother to make this result. Here are the story about them.

  Temptation of Adam and Eve have two sons, they are Cain and Abel. Cain is a farmer and Abel is a shepherd boy. Both of them perform ancestral rites to God using their labor result. However, the God only accept Abel's one. That is because Cain only perform perfunctory, there is not any elaboration. But Cain cannot know his mistake, he is jealousy his brother. Finally, he kills his own brother, just due to jealousy.

Moreover, in the reality, there are also a lot of people killing others just due to jealousy, like Cain. We need to recognize our mistakes, thus, when we face with jealousy, first of all, it is not hurt or complain to others, it need to control your mind and contemplate yourself first. Then, it will not make any confusion for our society and country.
  
Rebuttal and concession

However, the opponents will argue that jealousy is not the most dangerous emotion for human mind, it will help us to have a motive for our behaviors, it means jealousy is our power. I concede their arguments. Because sometimes we get some motivation from jealousy. For example, there is a boy who have an older brother. When he saw his brother read books, the little boy also followed him to read book. This behavior is not only because of his curiosity, but also he jealousy his older brother due to his mothers' compliment. However, like these three opinions, I will not look best these brothers behaviors. The emotion, jealousy, is very dangerous, it also can build up. Moreover, this younger brothers' jealousy also can reveal to different types. For example, when the younger boy saw his brother make compliment from his mother. He will reveal his jealousy like tearing off his brother's books. For this reasons, sometimes I concede the opponents' arguments, but like this example, most of times show us the jealousy is the dangerous emotion.

Conclusion

   In brief, jealousy damages the mind and body of human, denies the facts and causes some problems. Therefore, I insist the jealousy is the most dangerous emotion for human mind. Then, there are not any solutions to solve this emotion? There some tips for you. When you experience jealousy, it means you are not trust yourself, you don't have any powerful confidence. To overcome it, you need to take some mind that you are every precious in the world and you are very valuable. If you cannot overcome yet, then how about talking with your friends? However, you also need to remember the dangerous of jealousy.

5 points
  • Technically perfect
  • Follows the classical argument
  • Displays an interesting and unique perspective on a highly specialized topic
  • Thought provoking and captivating
  • Clearly the product of extensive drafting and research

4 points
  • Technically perfect
  • Follows the classical argument
  • Displays a unique perspective on a highly specialized topic
  • Clearly the product of thorough drafting and research
3 points
  • Follows the classical argument
  • Displays a unique perspective on a highly specialized topic
  • Some evidence of drafting and research

2 points
  • Displays a unique perspective on a highly specialized topic
0 points
  • Incomplete or inadequate

Grade
According to the rubric above, what grade would you give this essay, why?   -


3 points. I want to say that the topic of this essay is really connected with our lives. Your essay follows the classical argument format well and contains some evidence of drafting and research. I'm sure that you put a tremendous amount of effort to write this essay. I think you did well so far, but there are somethings you should change for getting 2 more points. Now I will tell you why I gave you 3 points for you 2nd draft. First, there are quite a lot of sentences that disturb the meanings that you wanted to say. So, I think your essay would be better if you correct some sentences and style based on my suggestion. Second,I don't think that others will refute your argument because jealousy is naturally on alert by people. I would like to suggest that if you want to maintain your thesis, then, in the part of rebuttal, It would be better to say like " opponent people do not think jealousy is the most dangerous feeling for human mind .. and the feeling that other people think the most dangerous is"............................................................................

How does this essay need to improve to get a better grade?
 First, there are quite a lot of sentences that disturb the meanings that you wanted to say. So, I think your essay would be better if you correct some sentences and style based on my suggestion. Second,I don't think that others will refute your argument because jealousy is naturally on alert by people. I would like to suggest that if you want to maintain your thesis, then, in the part of rebuttal, It would be better to say like " opponent people do not think jealousy is the most dangerous feeling for human mind .. and the feeling that other people think the most dangerous is".Also, i think you should correct your grammar mistakes to help readers to understand it more comfortable.....................


Thesis
What is the thesis?


jealousy is one of the most dangerous emotions for human mind.
.................................................................................................................................................

Is the thesis clear and debatable?


The thesis is clear but not debatable.
........................................................................................................................

If you (The reviewer) wrote this essay, how would you have written the thesis?

Any other thoughts?

Jealousy is the most dangerous emotions among human mind. ..................................................................................................................................................

Classical Argument
Can you easily identify the 5 parts of the classical argument? If no, what parts are missing?

Yes, i can. I already marked it..
.......................................................................................................

Does the introduction catch your attention? Does it comfortably lead to the thesis? 



.Yes, it contains interesting stories and adages that can help readers' understanding. But, i cannot find the reason why the author said about the story. I don't think the story is not relevant your thesis. I would be better if you connect the captivating story and your thesis. .......................

Does the narration give all the necessary background information to understand the topic?

Frankly speaking, I did not know the differences between "envious" and " jealous". It was good,  only this thing, it is not enough. I recommend you add what makes you think the jealousy is the most dangerous feeling in human .... For example, It would be good if you talk about other feelings are not as dangerous as jealousy.

Does the confirmation adequately support the thesis?
Yes, it is.

Does the refutation and concession address a realistic counterpoint? Does it adequately dispute the counterpoint, or respond in a reasonable manner? 

-  I think your refutation is a little weak than your opponents' argument. So I think you should think more about the expected counter arguments and refute them. I don't think it is enough.
...............................................................................................................................................

Does the conclusion summarize the article and address the larger significance of the thesis? 


I think you should summarize your argument again. In your conclusion, there are only your suggestions.
..................................................................................................................................................

What suggestions do you have for improving the classical argument structure?

 I want to say that the topic of this essay is really connected with our lives. Your essay follows the classical argument format well and contains some evidence of drafting and research. I'm sure that you put a tremendous amount of effort to write this essay. I think you did well so far, but there are somethings you should change for getting 2 more points. Now I will tell you why I gave you 3 points for you 2nd draft. First, there are quite a lot of sentences that disturb the meanings that you wanted to say. So, I think your essay would be better if you correct some sentences and style based on my suggestion. Second,I don't think that others will refute your argument because jealousy is naturally on alert by people. I would like to suggest that if you want to maintain your thesis, then, in the part of rebuttal, It would be better to say like " opponent people do not think jealousy is the most dangerous feeling for human mind .. and the feeling that other people think the most dangerous is".

 First, there are quite a lot of sentences that disturb the meanings that you wanted to say. So, I think your essay would be better if you correct some sentences and style based on my suggestion. Second,I don't think that others will refute your argument because jealousy is naturally on alert by people. I would like to suggest that if you want to maintain your thesis, then, in the part of rebuttal, It would be better to say like " opponent people do not think jealousy is the most dangerous feeling for human mind .. and the feeling that other people think the most dangerous is".Also, i think you should correct your grammar mistakes to help readers to understand it more comfortable

.................................................................................................................................................

Persuasion
When you started reading the essay, did you agree or disagree with the thesis? 
I have never thought of the thesis. 

...........................................................................................................................

When you finished the essay, did you agree or disagree with the thesis?
I do not agree with the thesis.

..................................................................................................................................................

If your mind changed, why? What parts of the essay were persuasive?
Although i did not change my mind, the examples and research was compelling to persuade other people.

..................................................................................................................................................

How could the author enhance the persuasive parts of their essay?

I think it can be the great persuasive essay if you articulate the first, second, third reasons why jealousy is the most dangerous feeling and why the other feelings like envy ,greed, obsession are not as dangerous as it.
.............................................................................................................................................

Research
Is the author using research effectively? 
Yes................................................................................................................................

Is the research from appropriate sources?

I think so. But i think you need more research to strengthen you narration and rebuttal and concession part...................................................................................................................................................

Are the sources obvious?
Yes. they are.

 ..................................................................................................................................................

Are the pieces of evidence relevant to the thesis or essay?
Yes. But i don't know why the author talked about the difference between jealousy and envy. ..................................................................................................................................................

Are there any parts of the essay that need evidence to support the claims?

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2014년 11월 19일 수요일

Peer Review for N.9

 Government Should Not Censor All Music With Violent or Explicit Lyrics

Introduction   

These days, every songs are evaluated by inquiry commission before they are played by mass media, and some violent or explicit lyrics are censored and prohibited so they cannot be played by mass media. Government claims that the government secures the ethicality and public character through this kind of censorship. At this point, many debates deal with this topic because musicians argue that their freedom of expressions must be ensured. However, we should be aware that this censorship is unnecessary. Government should not censor all music with violent or explicit lyrics. There are reasons why I think that music censorship is unnecessary.


Narration 
The music censorship did not just begin in the past 20 years. In fact, people have been censoring music all throughout the twentieth century. After the 50's, the music censorship started becoming even more prominent because of musicians with more carefree attitude and heavily involved on drugs and sex. And in the 1960s, finally, the lyrical content became the main cause for censorship.
  Especially in Korea, the past government corruptly used music censorship to achieve their political purpose. The music censorship by government had extensively implemented throughout 1970s by the Korea Broadcasting Ethics Committee and Korea Media Rating Board.
  Most of the rap musics include violent and explicit contents, so they are censored by government. According to the searchable database of hip-hop lyrics from Rap Research Lab-founded by Tahir Hemphill-, however, the data showed very little correlation between the crimes in the lyrics and their counterparts. So the argument that violent or explicit lyrics influence crimes have to be accepted incredulously.
 

Confirmation
As the Universal Declaration of Human Rights emphasized, Everyone has the freedom of expression. Artists express their feelings and thoughts through their works. If the music is censored, musician's freedom of expression will be violated. Other genres of art is seemed to be censored less strictly than lyrics in music. Many songs are banned because of their violent or explicit contents and they cannot be played through mass media.
  This kind of censorship unnecessarily invades the musicians' freedom of expression. Musicians cannot earn a living when their music does not receive enough attention. When the music censored and banned, It cannot be played on mass media so it won't receive enough attention. So, musicians will start to hide their real feelings and thoughts to pass the censorship, and the nature of music will be spoiled. Likewise, many songs were banned improperly under the dictatorship for the political rationalization. 
  What's more, music censorship by government can be used inappropriately. In South Korea, for example, 1960s ~ 70s was the age of dictatorship. Many people protest against the government, and government suppressed the protest using military force. They also banned the music used in a demo or seemed to be related in politics with ridiculous reasons. The most of songs banned at that time were banned with the reasons such as 'decadent lyrics', 'indecent singing method', 'encouraging distrust'. For example, the past Korean government had banned the song named 'Give me some water' stating the reason that the title and lyrics of song reminds a water torture. Another example is the song named 'Gangling Fellow Mr. Kim'. The past Korean government had also banned that song stating the reason that the title and lyrics of song would get on former president Park Jeong-Hee's nerves because he was short. The song named 'March for Lover' was banned under the military regime too, because the lyrics of the song are about Gwangju Democratization Movement. 

Refutation and concession  
There are plenty of people, especially parents, who will dispute my position with concerning the bad influence of violent or explicit lyrics on children. Of course, violent or explicit contents are not good for children's sentiment. However, censoring those lyrics for children's sentiment does not make sense. As the parents instruct their children before they watch movies or cartoons, parents can instruct their children before they listen to music including violent or explicit lyrics. Some people who will dispute my position can argue that violent or explicit lyrics can cause crimes. There are statistic researched the relation between explicit lyrics and crime rate, however, and the data showed very little correlation between the explicit lyrics and their counterparts. For example, there was a significant crime drop between 1993 and 1995. However, crimes mentioned in lyrics steadily increased from 1993 to 1995. This fact can prove that violent or explicit lyrics does not directly influence crimes. When we see the violent movies or dramas, most of us don't take the contents as a real thing. Many people imagine the violent scene of such movies or dramas, but they don't copy that behavior. Likewise, music with violent or explicit lyrics do not influence crimes. So government do not have to concern about the relation between explicit lyrics and crime rate.

Conclusion
  Nowadays, the standard for music censorship has been alleviated a lot. However, it is still hard to agree that we are living in the world of 'perfect' freedom of expression. Many musicians already hide their real feelings and thoughts and make music with commercial intention. They can't freely express their feelings and thoughts because of music censorship. They must be ensured their freedom of expression. The government do this because the government concern bad influences of music with violent or explicit lyrics on society. However, there is an evidence that those lyrics does not related to crime rate. Musicians are now violated their rights and freedom unnecessarily. Government should not censor all music with violent or explicit lyrics.

Grade
According to the rubric above, what grade would you give this essay, why?   -


4 point. It is because basically the essay is technically perfect and it follows the classical argument format. It has introduction, narration, and confirmation, etc. Also, the author's confirmation is clear and strong, so when it was easy to read. Besides, this essay made me rethink about the music censorship. Throughout the essay, it is a very good.
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How does this essay need to improve to get a better grade?

This essay is already an exemplary classical argument so far. However, as Sam teacher's advice, It would be better to refer how the Korean gov't censored music for political reasons and to deliver certain research results that show the unrelatedness between the lyrics and criminal rate. Please captivating HOOK!!

Thesis
What is the thesis?


Government should not censor all music with violent or explicit lyrics.
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Is the thesis clear and debatable?


The thesis is clear and worth to debating.
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If you (The reviewer) wrote this essay, how would you have written the thesis?


Government should not censor all music with violent or explicit lyrics because it degrades the nature of music and the freedom of expression.

Any other thoughts?


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Classical Argument
Can you easily identify the 5 parts of the classical argument? If no, what parts are missing?

Yes, i can. I already marked it..
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Does the introduction catch your attention? Does it comfortably lead to the thesis? 


The flow of introduction is very natural and comes comfortably to me, leading to the thesis. However, frankly speaking, the introduction is a little bit monotonic.
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Does the narration give all the necessary background information to understand the topic?
Almost. I think it would be good for him to suggest cases that government censored music throughout 1970s.

Does the confirmation adequately support the thesis?
Yes, exactly.

Does the refutation and concession address a realistic counterpoint? Does it adequately dispute the counterpoint, or respond in a reasonable manner? 

- Yes, i think parents and some people will oppose to his argument with concerning the bad influence of explicit and sexual lyrics. However, I think the refutation that we can protect children from listening to music with some sensational lyrics is a little bit weak. Also, to strengthen your argument, it would be good to show a more compelling research that demonstrates there is no correlation between social disorder and lyrics.
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Does the conclusion summarize the article and address the larger significance of the thesis? 
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What suggestions do you have for improving the classical argument structure?
I've seen that the amount of classical argument should be 3-4 pages. So, to get better grade, i think you should extend the contents with more meaningful researches and and and .... It was good!!

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Persuasion
When you started reading the essay, did you agree or disagree with the thesis? 
Frankly speaking, I disagreed with thesis because i thought censoring detrimental materials for the nations is a role of government to make the society more stable. Especially, I've had negative view t to explicit and sexual lyrics in some kinds of music. In fact, I have seen my younger sister humming a song with very sexual and violent lyrics. I was really shocked. ...........................................................................................................................

When you finished the essay, did you agree or disagree with the thesis?
As far as I concerned, I disagree with the thesis. The reason why I did not change my position is not because the essay is far-fetched but because I have a firm opinion on that problem. ..................................................................................................................................................

If your mind changed, why? What parts of the essay were persuasive?
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How could the author enhance the persuasive parts of their essay?
.

This essay is already an exemplary classical argument so far. However, as Sam teacher's advice, It would be better to refer how the Korean gov't censored music for political reasons and to deliver certain research results that show the unrelatedness between the lyrics and criminal rate. Please captivating HOOK!!....
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Research
Is the author using research effectively? 
To some extent................................................................................................................................

Is the research from appropriate sources?

It will..................................................................................................................................................

Are the sources obvious?
Yes. It will be more obvious if he polishes the essay with APA citations. ..................................................................................................................................................

Are the pieces of evidence relevant to the thesis or essay?
Yes. But i think it needs more. ..................................................................................................................................................

Are there any parts of the essay that need evidence to support the claims?
1.  I think the essay need more evidence or real researches to describe the 1970s society and the censorship in the part of narration.

2. In the part of refutation, i think your rebuttal is a little vulnerable to be attacked. So, I think it needs more compelling evidences that show how there is  no relation between lyrics and social disorder.
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