Peer review for N.10

Topic: Is Jealousy one of the most dangerous emotions for human mind?

Introduction

  All of human are the animals that have ability of jealousy ,which is one of the most dangerous feelings we can experience. This strange emotion is revealed at some adages which are "The grass is always greener on the other side" and "Turning green with envy". Look around ourselves, now day, we can feel this emotion from our friends, families, teachers or some strars and so on. However, most of people did not regard jealousy was dangerous. Human usually think of fighting and killing is only happening between the animals. However, there is an example to show us people's jealousy is also very dangerous. There is a boy continuously proposing to a girl. But he makes her cloying. So, she deliberately makes a fake boyfriends to let him give up her. However, this behavior makes the boy jealousy. Finally, he cannot control his feeling to kill both of his lover and her mother at her house. After my story, I want to ask you a question, "How do you react when you feel jealousy?" Today,  I will insist "jealousy is one of the most dangerous emotions for human mind." to tell you about it. 

  

Narration

  There are most of people confused with the meaning of words which are "envy" and "jealousy", but these words are not the same things. Then, I define the meaning of them. When people feel envy, it is because they desire the possessions or qualities of another individual. Briefly, envy refers to wishing we had something that another person has. In contrast, jealousy the individual believes that something that somehow belongs to them is been given to somebody else. It also can be brief, jealousy refers to a fear of losing something we hav to another person. However, It is difficult to understand If I only define them in the words. Here are some examples to help you to understand easily. If an individual feels resentment because they do not have a beautiful wife like their friend then this would be described as envy. On the other hand, if they  that their own wife was having an affair with their friend then this would be jealousy. Are you sure different between the "envy" and "jealosy"? After that, you will be wonder why people feel jealousy and is it really dangerous for us? Feeling jealousy has many reasons. Typically, low self esteem, fear of being alone, past traumas and bad experiences, abnormal jealousy can be due to mental health problems, feelings of incurity an anxiety about the future and so on, all of these can raise the jealousy. Then, how dangerous? As I give an example in the introduction, the jealousy even can kill people to be a murder. Thus, there is an adage which is said by Havelock Ellis,

      

     "Jealousy, that dragon which slays love under the pretence of keeping it alive".

Jealousy is the most dangerous emotion for human mind. Can you feel that? Then, now, I will tell you more detail information about this topic and show you my arguments. 

Confirmation

  From now, we can feel that the dangerous of jealousy and the reasons why people feel jealousy. More detail I can separate them ( Who are them?) for three reasons. First, jealousy will hurt people. Moreover, I can separate the people for two types of them. They are myself and the others. Then, we are talking about the front one first. When you watch the Korean drama, some kinds of romantic movies and love story books, can you find some common? Yes! All of them reveal the emotion of jealousy. Examplarily, at the stories, there would be have love triangle. For example, if there is a girl who is a very pretty and kind, then there would be have two or more than two boys to fall in love. And then this girl will fall in love to one boy who is loving her among this group. Then, the other boys will feel jealousy. We also can see this happening at the drama: 

  Lately, at the most popular Korea drama "Qi Empress", we can find that at drama there are all of people feel jealousy to others. Like, the king of Yuan Dynasty is jealousy the king of Goryeo because the main girl character loves him. We can know he reveal this emotion for behaviors. However, the queen of Yuan Dynasty revealed her emotion by the behavior of killing through an assassination.

Like this example, we can know that they reveal their emotions through some actions such as hurting others or fall into someone to dangerous and so on. I refer the dangerous of jealousy that was because when this emotion get to abnormal and pathological levels that they can become dangerous not only to a friendship or relaionship but even life itself.Psychologist Shauna Spriner (Ph.D.), believes that jealousy tht is desturctive comes from deep rooted insecurity and lack of self esteem. At the moment, I insist that jealousy hurts the others and myself. Psychologist also argue that people who feel jealousy is due to lack of self esteem and lack of love from others. Morever, I think that is due to the behavior of comparing myself to other. If I finish some works through all my efforts,  I would be happy to finish them. However, If I compare it with others, I would thouht that "his resulf is better than me. I am poor at  all of them, I am fool." Gradually, those who compare themselves with others will feel despondency, even those will choose suicide. 

  Second, we accept the facts to distort due to jealousy.( 무슨 뜻이야? Second, we usually distort a fact because of jealousy toward others 이게 낫지 않아?)  People usually only hear and watch someone's the other side, for example, when the students talk about a very pretty super star. Then, you will say that her face is not the nature, because she did a plastic surgery. Like this, when you faced with a happening that makes you to feel jealousy, you will deny it. Here is an interesting story let you understand this happening: 

  There is one sweet potato and one potato. Walking around the roads, they see a beautiful glutinous rice cake. Potato says, " Glutinous rice cake is very pretty. Look, her face is so fluffy and white!" However, the sweet potato think of herself and jealousy her,( sweet potato is consumed with jealousy 이게 낫지 않을까?) says "She is not pretty!" Hearing the chatter, glutinous rice cake is shy and avoiding the space. At that time, sweet potato see some white powder fall out from glutinous rice cake's body and says, "Look, that is making up!"

How do you think about this happening? Is it interesting? Like this, the degree of jealousy from chatting between friends we can say it is a joke. However, If you were denying the facts at the Council or the Government, how would be happen? I can certainly our countries will happen a shameful thing.( I certainly believe that our country will counter a shameful event if it does.) Denying the facts will make many problems  that are our personal relationships or any political problems, even the result we cannot image.(?) I talked about jealousy will make some problems with our personal relationship. Therefore, we should control our emotion, jealousy, to prevent some problems.

  

  Finally, jealousy will raise social confusion. Most of our bad emotions are coming from jealousy. For instance, upset, angry, sadness, despair and so on, we can feel them through jealousy. However, we cannot believe that the first of child in the world is a murder.(in the Bible) He also jealousy his only brother to make this result. Here are the story about them.

  Temptation of Adam and Eve have two sons, they are Cain and Abel. Cain is a farmer and Abel is a shepherd boy. Both of them perform ancestral rites to God using their labor result. However, the God only accept Abel's one. That is because Cain only perform perfunctory, there is not any elaboration. But Cain cannot know his mistake, he is jealousy his brother. Finally, he kills his own brother, just due to jealousy.

Moreover, in the reality, there are also a lot of people killing others just due to jealousy, like Cain. We need to recognize our mistakes, thus, when we face with jealousy, first of all, it is not hurt or complain to others, it need to control your mind and contemplate yourself first. Then, it will not make any confusion for our society and country.

  

Rebuttal and concession

However, the opponents will argue that jealousy is not the most dangerous emotion for human mind, it will help us to have a motive for our behaviors, it means jealousy is our power. I concede their arguments. Because sometimes we get some motivation from jealousy. For example, there is a boy who have an older brother. When he saw his brother read books, the little boy also followed him to read book. This behavior is not only because of his curiosity, but also he jealousy his older brother due to his mothers' compliment. However, like these three opinions, I will not look best these brothers behaviors. The emotion, jealousy, is very dangerous, it also can build up. Moreover, this younger brothers' jealousy also can reveal to different types. For example, when the younger boy saw his brother make compliment from his mother. He will reveal his jealousy like tearing off his brother's books. For this reasons, sometimes I concede the opponents' arguments, but like this example, most of times show us the jealousy is the dangerous emotion.

Conclusion

   In brief, jealousy damages the mind and body of human, denies the facts and causes some problems. Therefore, I insist the jealousy is the most dangerous emotion for human mind. Then, there are not any solutions to solve this emotion? There some tips for you. When you experience jealousy, it means you are not trust yourself, you don't have any powerful confidence. To overcome it, you need to take some mind that you are every precious in the world and you are very valuable. If you cannot overcome yet, then how about talking with your friends? However, you also need to remember the dangerous of jealousy.

Bibliography

1. http://www.drgingerblume.com/Jealousy.a_dangerous_emotion.pdf
2. http://alcoholrehab.com/alcohol-rehab/jealousy-in-recovery/

3. http://hubpages.com/hub/Jealousy-The-Killer-Emotion

5 points

• Technically perfect

• Follows the classical argument

• Displays an interesting and unique perspective on a highly specialized topic

• Thought provoking and captivating

• Clearly the product of extensive drafting and research

4 points

• Technically perfect

• Follows the classical argument

• Displays a unique perspective on a highly specialized topic

• Clearly the product of thorough drafting and research

3 points

• Follows the classical argument

• Displays a unique perspective on a highly specialized topic

• Some evidence of drafting and research

2 points

• Displays a unique perspective on a highly specialized topic

0 points

• Incomplete or inadequate

Grade
According to the rubric above, what grade would you give this essay, why?   -

3 points. I want to say that the topic of this essay is really connected with our lives. Your essay follows the classical argument format well and contains some evidence of drafting and research. I'm sure that you put a tremendous amount of effort to write this essay. I think you did well so far, but there are somethings you should change for getting 2 more points. Now I will tell you why I gave you 3 points for you 2nd draft. First, there are quite a lot of sentences that disturb the meanings that you wanted to say. So, I think your essay would be better if you correct some sentences and style based on my suggestion. Second,I don't think that others will refute your argument because jealousy is naturally on alert by people. I would like to suggest that if you want to maintain your thesis, then, in the part of rebuttal, It would be better to say like " opponent people do not think jealousy is the most dangerous feeling for human mind .. and the feeling that other people think the most dangerous is"............................................................................

How does this essay need to improve to get a better grade?
 First, there are quite a lot of sentences that disturb the meanings that you wanted to say. So, I think your essay would be better if you correct some sentences and style based on my suggestion. Second,I don't think that others will refute your argument because jealousy is naturally on alert by people. I would like to suggest that if you want to maintain your thesis, then, in the part of rebuttal, It would be better to say like " opponent people do not think jealousy is the most dangerous feeling for human mind .. and the feeling that other people think the most dangerous is".Also, i think you should correct your grammar mistakes to help readers to understand it more comfortable.....................


Thesis
What is the thesis?

jealousy is one of the most dangerous emotions for human mind.
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Is the thesis clear and debatable?

The thesis is clear but not debatable.
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If you (The reviewer) wrote this essay, how would you have written the thesis?
Any other thoughts?

Jealousy is the most dangerous emotions among human mind. ..................................................................................................................................................

Classical Argument
Can you easily identify the 5 parts of the classical argument? If no, what parts are missing?
Yes, i can. I already marked it..
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Does the introduction catch your attention? Does it comfortably lead to the thesis? 


.Yes, it contains interesting stories and adages that can help readers' understanding. But, i cannot find the reason why the author said about the story. I don't think the story is not relevant your thesis. I would be better if you connect the captivating story and your thesis. .......................

Does the narration give all the necessary background information to understand the topic?

Frankly speaking, I did not know the differences between "envious" and " jealous". It was good,  only this thing, it is not enough. I recommend you add what makes you think the jealousy is the most dangerous feeling in human .... For example, It would be good if you talk about other feelings are not as dangerous as jealousy.

Does the confirmation adequately support the thesis?
Yes, it is.

Does the refutation and concession address a realistic counterpoint? Does it adequately dispute the counterpoint, or respond in a reasonable manner? 
-  I think your refutation is a little weak than your opponents' argument. So I think you should think more about the expected counter arguments and refute them. I don't think it is enough.
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Does the conclusion summarize the article and address the larger significance of the thesis? 


I think you should summarize your argument again. In your conclusion, there are only your suggestions.
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What suggestions do you have for improving the classical argument structure?

 I want to say that the topic of this essay is really connected with our lives. Your essay follows the classical argument format well and contains some evidence of drafting and research. I'm sure that you put a tremendous amount of effort to write this essay. I think you did well so far, but there are somethings you should change for getting 2 more points. Now I will tell you why I gave you 3 points for you 2nd draft. First, there are quite a lot of sentences that disturb the meanings that you wanted to say. So, I think your essay would be better if you correct some sentences and style based on my suggestion. Second,I don't think that others will refute your argument because jealousy is naturally on alert by people. I would like to suggest that if you want to maintain your thesis, then, in the part of rebuttal, It would be better to say like " opponent people do not think jealousy is the most dangerous feeling for human mind .. and the feeling that other people think the most dangerous is".

 First, there are quite a lot of sentences that disturb the meanings that you wanted to say. So, I think your essay would be better if you correct some sentences and style based on my suggestion. Second,I don't think that others will refute your argument because jealousy is naturally on alert by people. I would like to suggest that if you want to maintain your thesis, then, in the part of rebuttal, It would be better to say like " opponent people do not think jealousy is the most dangerous feeling for human mind .. and the feeling that other people think the most dangerous is".Also, i think you should correct your grammar mistakes to help readers to understand it more comfortable

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Persuasion
When you started reading the essay, did you agree or disagree with the thesis? 
I have never thought of the thesis. 
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When you finished the essay, did you agree or disagree with the thesis?
I do not agree with the thesis.
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If your mind changed, why? What parts of the essay were persuasive?
Although i did not change my mind, the examples and research was compelling to persuade other people.
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How could the author enhance the persuasive parts of their essay?

I think it can be the great persuasive essay if you articulate the first, second, third reasons why jealousy is the most dangerous feeling and why the other feelings like envy ,greed, obsession are not as dangerous as it.
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Research
Is the author using research effectively? 
Yes................................................................................................................................

Is the research from appropriate sources?
I think so. But i think you need more research to strengthen you narration and rebuttal and concession part...................................................................................................................................................

Are the sources obvious?
Yes. they are.
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Are the pieces of evidence relevant to the thesis or essay?
Yes. But i don't know why the author talked about the difference between jealousy and envy. ..................................................................................................................................................

Are there any parts of the essay that need evidence to support the claims?

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