First draft: The Introduction

The introduction 

There is a famous saying that "Language is a process of free creation" said by an authoritative linguist, Noam Chomsky. It means that through learning and using languages, human beings have been able to expand the scope of their thinking and to make many creative developments in their lives. However, most Korean students seem to be not involved into such a group of people, rather they regard learning language as a trouble and a burden. Actually, although most people in Korea who completed regular course have learned English for more than 10 years, they have big difficulties on writing even one sentence. However, this situation can be attributed to a deeply entrenched English education system in Korea such as teaching by rote. Therefore, English education system in Korea should be changed for students to bring up their ability for English composition.

1. Attention grabber -
I attracted the audience by using a quotation of a famous linguist , Noam Chomsky. I expanded the attention grabber and explain my topic more naturally.

2. Explains the topic -
I explained my topic by showing current situation where Korean is stuck with. -However ,~~~~ 

3. My thesis -
It is clear, direct and an argument. I thought the argument " English education in Korea hinders the students' capacity to write in English" but i changed it to a better argument, "Current English education in Korea should be changed for students' ability to bring up English composition."